It’s gone missing again. Just like when you’ve been waiting all week for a certain program or film the remote disappears. It’s found later down the back of the sofa, halfway through whatever it was you wanted to watch. Well I have that problem, not with the t.v. remote though, but with the remote that turns my brain off. You know the one that sticks it on pause while my eyes are closed, allows for rewinding aspects of the day, fast forwarding to things that may be in the future and allows you to switch off and indulge in some happy fantasies. Unfortunately the last few times I did find the remote and got some sleep (medically induced by the wonderdrug zopiclone) I got stuck on the horror channel and woke up my hubby (and me) and possibly half the street, by screaming the place down.
So here I am again wondering how the hell to turn my head off, how to stop the palpitations and jittery feeling I get everytime I close my eyes. I know it’s just an anxiety attack, I know I’m NOT having a heart attack, but it bloody well feels like it. And then there’s my head, thinking always thinking. If I’m not writing a story or poem in my head, I’m thinking about the packing, the moving, the fact we’ve got nowhere to move to. Thinking about stuff at work, what I’m in the middle of doing, what needs finishing, what needs starting etc etc. And when all that is still, all that is quiet and there’s nothing left to think about bloody songs start merrily singing away in my head, perhaps snippets of adverts, War of the Worlds, JC Superstar, Oldies, Classics, new stuff.
I just want to be able to flick the switch, lay me down to sleep, close my eyes and actually sleep. I tried counting sheep – they were too noisy so my dragon ate them. Maybe the resulting indigestion kept me awake that night? Tried hot baths just before bed, tried hot chocolate as my last drink, hell I’ve even tried sex and enjoyable as it was, I still didn’t sleep 😦
I wonder if decapitation would work? Or a huge hammer to the head, although that may result in a headache which would again keep me awake.
Oh well it’s 5am, the birds are quiet, I have noticed them being quieter when dawn breaks, perhaps there are less of them as they’ve flown the nests, or the local cats have eaten them all? Shame really as that usually worked to get me to sleep, listening to their chorus. Another cuppa and then try again, attempt to get a couple of hours at least. And I still miss having a cigarette, six months smoke free and Godess did I crave one when I gave up trying to sleep and got up again at 3.30am.
Wish me luck and hopefully nice dreams not nasty ones